Come on in....kick your shoes off, grab a beer and just sit back and relax.
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams; "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells; "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes,
and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the
most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a
kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married
35 years."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other
guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's
make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is
heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus
down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented
octopus.
"He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone
in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that
he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus
can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately
the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi
Hendrix.
The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the
trumpet better than Miles Davis.
This guy pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the
octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused
look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going
to f*** it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas
off"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my penis is too small," he says.
The doctor asks him which beer he prefers.
"Well, Lager."
The doctor replies quite bemused:
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things, those Lagers.
You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on
his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"No," replies the man.
"But I've got the wife on Lager!"
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya
think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says: "G'day
Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
He says: "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag
but you're a real sport too." And drives off.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
A: Philippe Philoppe
Jeremy Beadle has an unusually small dick.
But on the other hand, it's quite big...
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman
all talking about their teenage daughters'. The Englishman says:
"I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I
found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's
room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I
was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing
to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day
when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't
even know she had a willy."
Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they
left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between
the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take
full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong
to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
"It's your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie, but Will started
crying.
Robbie asked: "Why are you crying, Will? What's
wrong?"
Will sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings".
Q: Why were the bakers hands brown?
A: 'Cos he kneaded a poo.
My uncle took viagra for the first time last week and said it made him feel like a man of thirty. "Can you get it over the counter?" I asked him. "Probably." he said. "If you took two."
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and
anal sex?
A: One makes your day, the other makes your whole week. (hole weak! for the slow ones!)
I used to be a gynaecologist....I'm not anymore, although I still like to keep my hand in.
A: Both of them.
A: They already have boyfriends.
A: A widow.
A: They're married.
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
A: They don't have time
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
So I said to the doctor. "People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball." The doctor said "Howzat?" I said, "don't you start".
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said, "It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion." The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."
So I went to the dentist. He said, "Say Aaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died."
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That's like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
What is the difference between Batman and a scouser?
Batman sometimes goes out without robin'.
If you see a scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
It might be your bicycle.
Why does the river Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to
the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've
just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around
in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are
a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young
ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000
a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said; "Well you started it!"
What do you call a scouser in a three-bed semi?
A Burglar.
What do you call a scouser in a tie?
The accused
What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
Big Mac and fries please.
What's the difference between a scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.
What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz
night?
What you looking at?
What do you call a scouser in a white shellsuit?
The Bride.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
My wife dresses to kill.....she also cooks the same way.
My husband and I were happy for 20 years - then we met!
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband: "You know I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man's credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the theif was spending much less than his wife did.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men....it just seems like it.
A boy asked his father: "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied: "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
40-ish.......................49.
Adventurer................Slept with all your friends.
Athletic.....................No boobs.
Average looking..........Has a face like a basset hound.
Beautiful...................Pathological liar.
Emotionally secure.....Medicated.
Feminist...................Ugly ball buster.
Free spirit.................Junkie.
Friendship first..........Trying to live down reputation as a slut.
Fun..........................Annoying.
Gentle......................Comatose.
Good listener............Borderline autistic.
New-age..................All body hair, all the time.
Old-fashioned...........Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs.
Open-minded.............Desperate.
Outgoing...................Loud and embarrassing.
Passionate................Sloppy drunk.
Poet.........................Depressive schizophrenic.
Professional...............Certified bitch.
Romantic...................Looks better by candle light.
Social.......................Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray.
Wants soulmate........Stalker.
Widow......................Drove first husband to shoot himself.
Young at heart..........Old bat.
Why do buses for the blind have windows?
Why do kamikazee piolts wear crash helmets?
If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect - why bother practising?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How do snowplough drivers get to work in the morning?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
How do pygmies manage with yo-yos?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
Just what IS so good about bees' knees?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Why do toilets in aircraft have frosted windows?
Why does Christmas always come when the shops are so crowded?
Why does 'Slim Chance' mean the same as 'Fat Chance'?
Why does FLAMMABLE mean the same as INFLAMMABLE?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
Lust of the Mohicans
A Back Passage to India
Schindler's Fist
The Postman only Rims Twice
Shaving Private Ryan
Forrest Hump
ET: The Extra-Testicle
White Men Can't Hump
Die Hard-on
Boldfinger
My Bare Lady
Good Will Humping
Raiders of the Lost Arse
Who's Eating Gilbert's Grape?
XXX-Men
Charlie's Anals
Homo Alone
My Bare Lady
Single White She-male
Three Men And A Barbie
Position: Impossible
Throbbin' Hood
Saturday Night Beaver
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
The token single sheet polish required after passing a rare but pleasant stool which slips out clean as a whistle, leaving no trace.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
A homosexual.
A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
The female erection.
Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)
A lady who goes down first time out.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
A lesbian.
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.
A vigorous masturbation session.
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
A Bra.
To liberate Richard the third.
One who has pilotted a few tugboats in his time.
A fat woman
A man who thinks thunderbirds are go.
The cracker you think you have pulled at the office christmas party, who turns out to be a tough old bird who only gets stuffed once a year.
A particularly capacious sausage wallet. As in: "I can't feel a thing in here. You must have a fanny like a wizard's sleeve."
A homosexual. i.e. a man who likes to take his meat round the back.
A single stool of immense proportions.
A pathetic whimpering fart.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
She said . . . Two inches less, and you'd be queen.
Riddle me this...
This riddle must be done in your head and NOT using paper and a pen.
Please do not cheat.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the Total?
WRONG!!!
The Correct answer is 4100. Don't believe it?
Check with your Calculator! A few people get this right, but the majority add wrongly. Which are you?
Quest for the rest
I'm not going to tell you what this website is about.
I'm not going to tell you how to get from one place to the next.
I'm only going to tell you that when you think it's over, there's more.
Why am I doing this?
Because I wasted too much time here
ready to play? ready to play quest for the rest
Fun download
A wonderful stress buster. Smash up your desktop with a hammer, chainsaw and other cool tools.
Warning: Highly addictive!
downloadFun download
Left brain Right brain
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number
"6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's
nothing you can do about it!